Pimp my mixer!!!

Now that I'm on the subject of awesome kitchen appliances, here's something I saw on the web forum eGullet this morning......

Flaming Hobart

A completely "pimped out" Hobart mixer. Well, "pimped out" as in, "nice paint job", and the fact that it's brand new.
But ask an experienced pastry chef if they want their mixer "pimped out", and they will list a nice paint job as the
last thing they'd ask for. Realistically, a nice paint job on a mixer is kind of a sad thing because then you feel
more obligated to wipe it down when you get a nice dusting of flour on the thing, which basically happens, oh, every few milliseconds. It's worse than waxing your shiny black Corvette and then taking it for a spin in the Mojave Desert.

Listen to me, Hobart Corporation! If you want to really, I mean REALLY "pimp out" my mixer, then you will remove
that stinking SAFETY CAGE that's around the top of the mixing bowl! Oh yeah, sure, I know, there's "safety regulations" and "liability" and "social responsibility" and all that crap. But you know what, I'm a big subscriber to Spencer's/Darwin's theory of "Survival of the Fittest", and I'm also concerned with how polluted our human gene pool has become, simply because modern safety features are allowing stupid people stay alive to actually procreate and bring into this world more stupid people. We simply must stop this from happening by removing all safety devices and letting "nature take its course".

I've been a baker/pastry chef going on 17 years now, and not once have I ever had the urge to stick my hand or any other body part in a moving commercial mixer. Actually the injuries I suffer most are cuts from knives and burns from ovens, but maybe I shouldn't say anything about that, because GOD FORBID someone puts a safety cage on my chef's knife or a heat shield on my oven doors......for cryin' out loud.

Apparently, however, there ARE people, and ENOUGH of them, that HAVE stuck their hands, ponytails, feet, genitalia, etc, in moving commercial mixers, and so now, we bakers that actually have IQ's above 10 have to suffer for it. Thanks a lot, people. Help! We're stupid! Protect us from OURSELVES!!

Now why would I be so incensed about a safety cage? Well, mostly because in the process of mixing things, I have to
add ingredients as the mixer is running, a lot of it has to do with the success of the batter, icing or dough, and also, if you add an ingredient while the mixer is running, it creates much less of a mess because the ingredient doesn't come splashing back up at you, if you'd added it all at once, then turned the mixer back on. See, the mixer won't run unless the safety cage is fully in place. You have to stop the mixer, spin the cage around, add your ingredient, close the cage again, and then re-start the mixer. Invariably, because you're trying to mix a big of a batch as the mixer is capable of, when you start that sucker, even on low, something is gonna come back up out of the bowl and make a mess. Not only that, it screws up your batter because you've lost a good portion of what you were adding. It's now on the floor, or EVEN WORSE, making your black mixer with the radical flame-age look really pathetic.

Sure, I've tried adding the ingredients to the running mixer through the holes in the cage, but that gives me just as much stuff on the floor as if I'd added it all at once with the mixer off. Dammit!!!!!!!

I'm willing to bet, even though I haven't actually researched it, that Hobart now offers a "special pouring shield" just so  we pissed-off pastry chefs can add our ingredients to a running mixer with the cage still engaged. But how much are you charging for this thing? Knowing Hobart, it's NOT cheap. I say, if we have to live with a stupid safety cage, then we should get the pouring shield for NO EXTRA CHARGE.

Of course, one skill you must possess as a pastry chef is learning how to adapt and make do with equipment that sucks or barely works. In the case of the Hobart with a safety cage, I've become very clever with magnets, cleverly
placed cut out plastic bowl scrapers, and duct tape. Yes, I've figured out many ways to disengage the safety cage
switch so I can get my work done (and done right) in a normal work day, which, for pastry chefs ranges from 8 to 24 hours, and no, I'm not kidding. Best of all, there's little to no ingredients lost due to them jumping out onto the floor!
Bakery owners generally don't like "loss" or "waste". Yeah, I know, they don't like industrial insurance claims either, but if they're gonna hire someone with an IQ of less than 10 and will work for minimum wage and can't figure out that industrial equipment is indeed dangerous, then you know what, they get what they get. That's why we "higher paid" experienced pastry chefs exist because we don't put our hands in moving mixers and then get all whiny about it.
Plus, we seriously know how to kick ass, and "ass kicking" just ain't gonna happen if you make our jobs harder with that STUPID STUPID safety friggin' CAGE!!!!

So really PIMP MY MIXER Hobart Corporation! Remove the cage. Paint it pink, and put Hello Kitty on it. Pink is a calming color you know......we PC's could use some calming colors....it's not like we're uptight about stuff or anything like that.

And speaking of Hello Kitty kitchen appliances........

Hello Kitty Happy Housewife

And if any of you "homies" as in, "home bakers" wants to trick out their mixer at home......try this out:

Flaming KitchenAid

NOTE: Now before you get all riled up about my comments about stupid people, the gene pool, "survival of the fittest", employers getting what they deserve for hiring minimum wage workers, etc, look up the meaning of the word "satire". Yes, I'll wait. What did you learn? That satire means: " Irony, sarcasm, or caustic wit used to attack or expose folly, vice, or stupidity." Okey dokey then.....don't be getting all mad now, 'cause I'm not totally serious about
the proliferation of stupid people (Bush Administration) and eliminating them. Just partly.